There Is Death In This Town


There is death in this town
And I am distant
Far away from where
Heartbeats and fingertips and nicknames and favorite flowers and the way she looked in that yellow dress
Were buried
They tell me my memory is not working and the time is
Sifting out of my skull like hour-glasses full of
White
Powdery ashes

There is death in this town
I sit and I smile
In plastic blue seats
These smiles are genuine
I laugh
There is laughter
There is green there is blue
There is the trickle of rain once thought beautiful and craved in a thirsty dry desert
Now deadly and dreaded
Over the rusted corners of drain-pipes like tears
Two day-old raindrops now
Puddles
Left to be washed
Down the cement

There is death in this town
But my house is
Too many off-ramps away
To see the
Mud-graves of those lost
I do not know them
I cannot draw their faces or
Write their names
But they were close and they were alive and we never met
But now I know them and they will never
Know me

There is death in this town
I drive to my lesson once more
Sheet music sits in the passenger seat
Full of little black lines that translate to sounds full of melancholy
Flipping through
Crackling radio stations
I used to prefer the music
Now I listen to
Lipsticked and pressed-tie reporters
Grave voices and the slight
Drift in their speech like
A sad song from long ago
Now remembered
They count the closed eyelids and I
Wonder what I should feel

There is death in this town
I see it in the
Uncertain faces of my peers
We wait for
Something
A news report or a
Carefully written editorial
An intercom announcement
Or a love letter sent home
A phone call a voicemail a left-over diary
Barely readable
Some of us know people
Some of us don’t
Some of us knew people
Some of us didn’t
Some of us are stuck
And we cannot get to them or to ourselves

There is death in this town and
The sun resurfaces
Helicopters fly over the
Stacked window-wall of my art classroom
I hold paint brushes in my hand and watch them go
Left to right to left and I hope
They’re carrying someone and I hope
There is breath in their lungs

There is death in this town and
I pray
But I’m
Not quite sure
What to pray for so
I just
Send a sad song to His gates and
A few hopes and few fears and
Ask for a map and that his lips and her cheeks would not be
Cold
To the touch

There is death in this town and
This is what
Is.


it is sad here. mudslides have left a lot of people lost and dead. maybe you've seen us on the news. it's been a tough season for my city. fires and floods and hurting people. i want to recognize those hurting. prayer is beautiful and heals and comforts. please pray.

Youtube Channel + Happy New Year!



Hello Followers! I hope you all had a lovely holiday, and have gotten some rest and relaxation from the usual busyness of life. I have been thinking of you all and am so thankful for all the ways all my lovely readers, followers, and friends have blessed me over the years. I have some very important (and long awaited) news, which is...

My Youtube Channel is finally up and running!



I am so excited to finally launch my very own art Youtube Channel so I can inspire and share with others not only through my blog, but also through a new platform, Youtube. It will change up my blog a little, but don't worry, I'm hoping to keep my presence equal on both my blog and youtube, and combine them in a collaboration. Here's what will happen:

My blog will contain:
-book reviews
-poetry
-short stories
-lifestyle posts
-thoughts
-playlists and mixtapes
-tags

My youtube will contain:
-speedpaints
sketchbook flip-throughs
-art supplies reviews
-studio vlogs/sketching vlogs

So basically, what I'm hoping to do is create a more visual arts oriented space on my Youtube and refine my blog into a more literature/prose focused space, while still keeping around my half-aesthetic life updates and attempts at photography. I invite you to follow both, or, if you prefer one or the other, to follow either my Youtube or blog. It's up to you. I'm so excited to share this adventure with you, as many people have been requesting more art-focused posts, I think this will be a great way to get you that content in it's best format.

Long term, if my Youtube is successful, an online art shop could be a possibility. A lot of you know it's long been my dream to open an Etsy, and I'm thinking that this might get my the publicity I need to make that a reality. Just saying.

Thank you for being patient with me as I worked out all the challenges of this project, I'm so excited to get it up and running. Lot's of love to all of you <3

Copper Tears



before



I like to watch time
Drift by
On Monday afternoons
Behind motels on little walked staircases
Green moss climbing the cement and rust dripping it’s copper tears down the railings
I rest my head on your shoulder and let us listen to the world spin
For a while
I try not to fill it too full with my curious tongue
But I taste the questions on my lips

I whisper
And?
You reassure
Tuck my fingers over the little seed pod and tell me I’m special
Ok
I’ll try
I’ll try.

And then I ask about her
And I don’t like to think about these things chronologically
But she knew you first
And she had you heart first
And I guess
sometimes
When I’m cold and pathetic and so self-centered
I wonder if she still has a few pieces
Tucked away somewhere in a box under a wooden bed
You can’t reassure me
As easily
This time
And I lurch
Into myself
Too quickly
Hey
I mutter to the seams on my shoulders
Shh
Don’t think so fast
And I grab my wrists and pull myself back out
And ask more
Things
While the seedpod crumbles in my palm
We’re two different people
Existing
On either side of your mind
Or at least that’s how I imagine it but I’m sure that’s not really how you see it
She knows a lot about me
She knows my name and the color of my hair and the people that walk circles around me
Does she know I don’t know about her?

Sometimes I imagine her
With you
I bet
She’s nice and has long hair and soft eyes
I bet she tells good jokes and has seen all the movies you love

And why am I doing this??

Don’t listen to me
My one reader, my long lost friend, my brown-black eyes and genuine smile
Don’t listen
To the suspiciousness of tired afternoons
Promise me you’re not thinking of me
As a rose with green thorns of envy
Because
I’m whispering secrets
In your ear
Of the sick need I have
For some sort of reassurance
That I mean more than dots on a map
Don’t listen to these worms that twist into words like they have a place on paper
Sometimes I have to write poetry
To turn the soil
And keep them from eating the stems of my tomato plants
Blooming bright red and full as beating hearts in the summer sunshine

So I snuggle under your arm
For warmth
For comfort
For missing words

What did I want really?
I wonder
Later
For him to say
He’s forgotten
Everything
Anyone else ever meant
Ever since
He saw
my dusty sneakers and hesitant smile
Ever since I started writing him poems and leaving pieces of myself behind for him to pick up
Words and paper and drawings of mermaids and a thing called xxxx

It’s just that
I fall asleep
To the sound
Of songs
That remind me of what it means
To know you
And I wake up
With yesterday’s memories of compliments and footprints in the sand first and foremost in my mind
You’re all my greatest hopes and fears
All my calendar boxes and all my daydreams

It’s just that I’m silly and sixteen

And sure
I guess I could write
A pretty good speech
If that’s what you want
I’d do it
For you

But I throw a palm over my eyelids and tell myself
To stop
This train
Because
There’s nothing good ahead
And I wrap myself up in your sweater and lay down on my bed
And kiss my fingers as I count all the reasons I trust you

  1. You know all my names forwards and backwards
  2. You keep the letters I write and you think about what my words mean
  3. You understand what it’s like to carry on
  4. You grab my hands when I’m caught in the eye of the tornado and pull me out
  5. You brush my tears away with your thumb
  6. You smile when you say see you soon
  7. You want to talk to me at 11:11
  8. You say we’re a team
  9. You care. I really think you do.

I tuck the strings back into my heart and start placing the petals back inside the vases on my counter
I know you know me
I know you know the ways I think about tomorrow
I know you realize how afraid I am of being left somewhere alone in the rain, like a cliche movie about falling in and out of hope and car doors
You know I try to appear porcelain when I am crumbling like old brick
You know I hide concern behind smiles and fear behind concern
You know how important it all is to me
You know
I only let
you
Hold my hand

You know

So I’ll
Sit here
Still
And quiet
And wait for when I can call you on the phone
And talk for a while
Like they used to in the seventies

And I know
You’ll be there
waiting
For me

xx


this is an old poem, but I'm going to be in my school's poetry slam (screams) and am thinking of reading it. what do you think? also I kind of want to publish a poetry book but have no idea how. hope you all had a lovely christmas, am so thankful for you <3

I've Been Away For a Time, and Now I'm Trying to Find my Way Back Home


Hello my friends.

It's been a while hasn't it? 

Many of you may have noticed my absence lately. Or, rather, my recurring absences. If you've been around a while, you may have realized I have not started my traditional Blogmas series this year. Or you might just be seeing how terribly inconsistent I've been in general.

I'd just like to start with an apology. I want you all to know that I love producing content for you and nothing brings me more joy than seeing your reactions to my work and interacting with all of you. I have also missed you dearly.

Lots of stuff has been happening in my life lately, the surface level of it being college applications. I did not anticipate that there would be so much work. I have felt so overwhelmed by trying to figure out my future that even doing things I love (like blogging) has felt overwhelming and stressful. School and other stuff has also been piling up, and right now I'm away from home because of the devastating fire that has been spreading around California. We left town because the air quality was 'hazardous', and the fire just creeping closer. However, as of last night it has been improving, and I am hopeful that we may be able to go home by Wednesday. Please pray for the families and the fire it has affected, it's been a difficult and scary time for lots of people around here.

So these are a few things going on right now. But, in a lighter sense, I'm nearly done with my applications, Christmas is around the corner, I'm in love, I'm alive, and poetry is a beautiful thing. I've been reading some wonderful books and listening to some excellent music. My art portfolio and my ideas are growing. And a new year with a fresh start is up ahead. And I am back on my blog. It feels so good to write these words and finally have time to sit down and get back on track here at my little home on the internet. I missed this (and all of you lovely, lovely readers) so much, and I have never stopped thinking about you!

So, anyways, I just wanted to say, hello, I'm back, and I'm doing my best. So thank you, be gentle on yourself, and always pick the flowers on the side of the road <3

October Playlist



Here's the October mixtape I promised- disclaimer there is a fair amount of screamo on here so be prepared for a little angst head-banging is recommended. But don't worry there's also plenty of other stuff for those of you who aren't into the crazy edgy Halloween vibes just edit those out. Comment favorite songs!

This is Halloween- Citizens of Halloween
Emperor's New Clothes- Panic! At the Disco
You're so Creepy- Ghost Town
Sally's Song- Catherine O'Hara
Ghostbusters- Ray Parker Jr.
Monster Mash- The Misfits
Pet Sematary- Ramones
The Piano Duet- Danny Elfman
Remains of the Day- Danny Elfman
Scissorhands (The Last Snow)- Motionless in White
Skeleton- Ghost Town
Dead Walker Texas Ranger- Sleeping with Sirens
Purple People Eater- Eclipse
Spooky, Scary Skeletons (Mini Disco Dance Mix)- Kids Fun Crew
Stranger Things- Kyle Dixon & Michael Stein
Scary Monsters (and Super Creeps)- David Bowie
Put the Knife Away- Goldfinger
The Batman Theme- Danny Elfman
Vampures Will Never Hurt You- My Chemical Romance
Not My Type: Dead As F**k 2- Motionless in White
To Be Scared By an Owl- Alesana
Party in the Graveyard- Ghost Town
Killers Like Candy- I Am Ghost